Loneliness is the inability to have satisfying, intimate relationships. It is an unpleasant feeling when an individual desires to have relationships and be with others, but is unable to do so. In other words it can be said that loneliness is a disturbing feeling that results from a need for intimacy that is unfulfilled.
It is disturbing and unpleasant in the
sense that the individual may feel unwanted, disliked, and worthless. It, usually, develops into a trait (trait loneliness), in such that it is a feeling that is stable and enduring. Depending on the severity, it may cause the individual to have
inferiority complex, stress, depression, suicidality, and a number of other
varying psychiatric illnesses.
Loneliness may occur at any time in
the lifespan of an individual, but it is most likely to develop during
adolescence. The high prevalence of loneliness in adolescence is worrisome as
this is the stage that is said to shape the rest of the life of an individual.
The experiences of an individual during adolescence may have long lasting
effects. Loneliness during adolescence may lead an individual towards a wide
range of negativity in later stages of life. It is these implications of
loneliness that make it imperative to look into many of its major causes.
Some characteristics related to
loneliness develop in an individual right from birth or very nearly from birth.
These characteristics include shyness, timidity, and melancholia. It is these
characteristics that become a hindrance in developing satisfying interpersonal
relationships. Being shy, timid, and melancholic makes an individual to be
hesitant in taking the initiative of seeking people and trying to have a close
relationship with them.
Research shows that the brain and
neural circuitry of these individuals is built in such a way that they are like
this. They are designed or predetermined to have these characteristics.
The center of emotions lies in a small
part of the brain called amygdala. People who are shy have a neural circuitry
built in such a way that their amygdala gets easily aroused and they become
prone to fearfulness. Thus, they face discomfort in unfamiliar situations.
Also, timid people have chronically high levels of a brain chemical
(neurotransmitter) called norepinephrine. This and other brain chemicals
activate the amygdala that leads to too much of excitement. Their amygdala gets
easily triggered and leads them to avoiding social situations, which,
consequently makes them feel lonely.
The same goes for people who are
melancholic. It has been found that those who have relatively greater levels of
brain activity in their right frontal lobe, the front-right side of the brain,
experience negativity and sour moods. They are easily fazed by life’s
difficulties and are generally suspicious. People who are usually depressed
have lower levels of brain activity in the left frontal lobe and higher on the
right frontal lobe compared to those who are not depressed. Depression also
results from a lower level of a brain chemical called serotonin. This negativity
and sour moods inherent in their brain structure leads to an inability to have
meaningful relationships, causing them to feel lonely.
Although these brain patterns are from
birth or very nearly from birth, they do not necessarily remain the same for
the rest of the life. With a proper upbringing and the right kind of
circumstances, things can change. For instance, a timid child with a proper
parental care and going through the appropriate happenings in life can grow
into a confident person.
In addition to abnormalities in the brain
structure, parental care, in the period of childhood (infancy), becomes
important as it determines the attachment style that a child may develop. This
attachment style that a child develops may play a significant role in
loneliness.
Attachment is a strong emotional bond
to a significant other person. For an infant, the parents/caretakers become an
attachment figure. There are three different types of attachment styles that an
infant may develop – secure attachment style, avoidant attachment style, and
ambivalent attachment style.
The secure attachment style occurs
when the parent is generally available and responsive to the child’s needs. The
child with a secure attachment style feels supported and secure. The avoidant
attachment style occurs when the parent is generally cool, unresponsive, or
even rejecting. The infant due to this becomes detached from the caretaker. The
avoidant attachment style makes the child to suppress feelings of vulnerability
and neediness. The ambivalent attachment style occurs when the primary caretaker
does not respond consistently to the infant’s needs. This makes the child to be
vigilant for threats and feel anxious or angry.
The attachment style developed in
childhood determines the interaction patterns for future relationships, when
the child grows up and may consequently play a role in loneliness. A child with
secure attachment style grows up into an individual who seeks closeness with
others, and thus becomes friendly and sociable. In contrast, a child with
avoidant attachment style grows up into an individual who becomes fearful in
relationships and tends to avoid closeness with others in order to avoid social
rejection. This avoidance in closeness may lead to an unfulfilled need for
intimacy, which in turn, causes loneliness.
Likewise, a child with ambivalent
attachment style grows up to be a person who is emotionally distressed in
social interactions and expects the worst from others. Due to this the
emotional needs of the individual are not fulfilled and brings about a feeling
of lack of intimacy. A lack of intimacy, very likely, leads to a feeling of
loneliness. Children with avoidant attachment style or ambivalent attachment
style, therefore, are more likely to become individuals who are lonely.
These attachment styles could further determine
four adult interaction patterns. These four interaction patterns are based on
two underlying dimensions, which are positive versus negative evaluation of
self and positive versus negative evaluation of others.
People who have a positive evaluation
of the self tend to assume that others will respond positively, expect to be
liked by others, which makes them feel comfortable with others, and thus have
satisfying relationships. People with a negative self evaluation makes them
expect that others will be rejecting, which makes them feel anxious with
others, and therefore tend to avoid others.
Individuals who have a positive
evaluation of others expect that they will be comforting and supporting, and
thus will they will seek close relationships. Individuals who have a negative
evaluation of others will expect them to be unavailable and non-supportive,
which will make them tend to avoid people. It is evident that people with a
negative evaluation of self and others tend to keep distance from people, and
therefore develop a likelihood of feeling lonely.
Childhood experiences playing a major
role in feeling lonely is represented in a plausible manner in the concept of
basic anxiety given by the psychoanalyst and personality psychologist, Karen
Horney. Horney suggests that children naturally experience anxiety,
helplessness, and vulnerability. If children do not get proper guidance to help
them to cope with societal threats, they may develop basic anxiety.
Basic anxiety, according to Horney,
refers to the feeling a child has of being isolated and helpless in a
potentially hostile world. This insecurity is produced in the child by a wide
range of environmental factors such as direct or indirect domination,
indifference, erratic behavior, lack of respect for the child’s individual
needs, lack of real guidance, disparaging attitudes, too much admiration or
absence of it, lack of reliable warmth, having to take sides in parental
disagreements, too much or too little responsibility, overprotection, isolation
from other children, injustice, discrimination, unkept promises, hostile
atmosphere, and so on.
This basic anxiety that a child may
feel marks the beginning of loneliness. It makes the child distrusting of
others, and is thus, unable to develop satisfying relationships. Horney
suggests that this state can be resolved by several neurotic needs that can be
classified under three categories – moving towards people, moving away from
people, and moving against people.
Moving towards people, also called compliance
or self-effacing solution, represents the attempt to deal with insecurity by
reasoning, if one is loved, one will not hurt. Moving away from people, termed
withdrawal or the resignation solution, represents the attempt to solve the
insecurity by reasoning, if one withdraws, nothing will be hurtful. Moving against
people, termed aggression or the expansive solution, represents the attempt to
solve the insecurity by reasoning, if one has power, one cannot be hurt.
To successfully overcome the basic
anxiety, the individual has to integrate all three of these solutions. Due to
greater basic anxiety, the individual may focus on only one of the solutions,
which will not lead to any resolution. If the individual specifically focuses on
the solution of moving away from people, then it is very likely that he/she
will experience loneliness in a more pronounced manner.
Loneliness could also be rooted in the
vulnerable stage of individuals making a transition from childhood to
adolescence. In the later stages of childhood as the individual sets out to
form relationships outside the family, they have a lot of expectations
regarding intimacy, emotional bonding, trust, and support. At times these
expectations may be unrealistic and therefore not be fulfilled.
Even if the expectations are not
unrealistic, they may also be unfulfilled due to various other circumstances.
This can be a big setback for the individual. The phase after this setback
becomes very crucial and vulnerable. If the individual is unable to overcome
and cope up with this phase, then it marks the beginning of loneliness, which
may keep getting exacerbated. After that it becomes difficult to get out of this
phase.
The factors determining loneliness,
therefore, are specific brain structure, infant attachment styles, early
interaction patterns, basic anxiety, and vulnerability during the transition
from childhood to loneliness. The major causes of loneliness, evidently, stem
from childhood. Brain structure or the immediate environment of the child
shapes the individual to experience loneliness, right from the beginning of
life. It, therefore, becomes important that the earliest signs of loneliness be
identified as soon as possible. The role of parents and teachers become very
significant in such instances.
An early identification of such
symptoms can turn out to be fruitful in order to introduce measures that may
help in preventing the exacerbation of loneliness. It will help the child to
lead a happy and joyous life that will further lead to a number of positive
experiences.
Loneliness is a lot more common than
it is believed to be. It is highly prevalent. The distress associated with
loneliness is also much more than it is believed to be. It is due to this that
loneliness should be taken as something that is very serious. It should not be
taken as a phase that will just pass away. If
the right measures at the right time are not taken, then with the passing of
time loneliness becomes exacerbated and its effects become more and more
pronounced.
PS: To read more about loneliness, refer to the following articles on this blog:
4 comments:
You write so well. Thank you for sharing such facts.
Thank you for the appreciation Namrata :)
I would be interested to read your opinion about the famous dispute of the so-called "cry-out method" a.k.a "baby sleep training"
and the repercussions it may have later in life. Especially since you mention in this article how loneliness unfolds...
Savas:
Well, there has been quite a lot of debate on the "cry-it-out". On the whole it has been found to be beneficial. Being able to have a sound sleep is important for mental health, and this is what it does for children who are abnormal sleeping patterns.
It may involve stress on part of the child, but if done properly, it requires just about 3 days. 3 days is not too much of a time. The stress that may be involved is not strong enough to have any negative effects on development. And it lasts for just 3-4 days.
Initially it might seem that due to this a child might develop an avoidant or ambivalent attachment style as the child would perceive this to be neglected by the parents. But this does not really happen. When we talk about a secure attachment style then it means that the majority of the times the parents are supportive. So, again 3-4 days of the cry-it-out method will not be perceived as being neglected by the child. Even if it lasts for more than 3 days, it will not have a negative effect if the parents on the whole are caring, supportive, and comforting towards the child. Thus, it should not have any role to play in an individual to end up being lonely.
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