It is not a rarity of being hurt by someone’s actions once in a while during the course of one’s life. Being hurt leads to a series of negative feelings and emotions such as disgust, resentment, bitterness, revenge, etc. Depending on various factors, the individual may behave in a number of ways.
People,
sometimes, tend to hold on to the negative feelings and emotions, caused by
harmful events. This, in the long run, may cause further harm to the
individual. An alternative to this, would be trying to release such negative
feelings and emotions, and in the process trying to overcome them. In other
words, the individual would be indulging in forgiveness.
Forgiveness
is something that is very often misconstrued. It does not in any way mean that
the harmful event or transgression is not acknowledged and that it is
completely forgotten. It also does not in any way imply ignoring the
transgression or denying it.
Forgiveness
is rather a way of coming to terms with the harmful event and trying to put
oneself in a better frame of mind. It is a voluntary action, which means that
it cannot occur without the will of the person who has been harmed. Further, it
has nothing to do with trying to benefit the transgressor (the person who has
caused the offense). It is an action that the victim takes solely for his/her
own betterment.
Being
an ambiguous concept, there are multiple perspectives that try to explain
forgiveness. One view suggests that forgiveness is a replacement of the
negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions towards the offender or transgressor
with that of positive thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Forgiveness is also
seen as a reduction in the negative motivations such as revenge and avoidance,
which leads to a motivation to forgive the transgressor. Another view suggests
that forgiveness is a combination of the two aforementioned perspectives.
These
perspectives, even though they differ from each other, commonly suggest
that forgiveness is a process that involves a reduction in the negativity associated
with the transgressor. The individual goes through a transition from the
initial phase of being hurt to an alleviation of the pain from the hurtful
event and a change of feelings towards the transgressor.
The
reduction of negativity and alleviation of pain involved in forgiveness gives
an indication that the individual goes through some positive changes from the
initial phase of being hurt. These positive changes prove to be beneficial for
an individual when it comes to both mental and physical health.
Research
shows that forgiveness is associated with greater subjective wellbeing and
global mental health. Forgiveness also leads to higher self-esteem and promotes
self-respect as it enables the individual to refuse to get dominated by harmful
thoughts, feelings, and memories. Further, forgiveness has been found to be
associated with low anxiety, lesser depression, decreased feelings of anger,
and a release from resentment.
Studies
comparing the measures of heart rate, blood pressure, skin conductance, and
electromyography (EMG) of people who had forgiven and those who have not, show
that people who had forgiven have lower physiological stress. Further, studies
monitoring the physiological reactions of people who had forgiven after being
emotionally hurt compared to those have not, show that people who had forgiven
had lower physiological reactivity (e.g. diastolic blood pressure, mean
arterial pressure, and forehead EMG activity).
Evidence
clearly shows that forgiveness has a lot of benefits associated with it.
Despite the positives associated with forgiveness, there are times when a
person is unable to forgive. Even if the person is willing to forgive, it may
be difficult to do so. This is because there are a number of factors that have
an influence on forgiveness.
One
of such factors is empathy. Empathy has been found to have a strong link with
forgiveness. People who are more empathetic are more likely to forgive. The
personality traits of agreeableness and neuroticism have also been found to influence
forgiveness.
People
with the trait of agreeableness are kind, sympathetic, cooperative, warm, and
considerate. People high on agreeableness have less conflict with others and
assert lesser power during a conflict. They are also more likely to empathize
with others, which, as mentioned above, is an important factor for forgiveness.
The
trait of neuroticism is about how emotionally stable or unstable a person is. People
high on the trait of neuroticism are characterized by anxiety, moodiness,
worry, jealousy, and are more likely to be in a depressed mood. People high on
the trait of neuroticism experience a high level of interpersonal stress, give
more attention to negativity, and report more health problems and negative life
events. They also have more negative emotional reactions and tend to ruminate a
lot more over negative life events. These aspects in people who are high on the
trait of neuroticism tend to make them less likely to forgive others.
Empathy,
agreeableness, and neuroticism are individual or personal factors that may
influence forgiveness, which means that there are individual differences in
them. Apart from these individual factors there are a number of other factors
that may influence forgiveness.
The
relationship between the transgressor and the person who has got hurt plays a
role in forgiveness. If the transgressor is in some kind of a close relationship
(friend, committed relationship) with the person who is harmed then forgiveness
is more likely to occur. If the transgressor is apologetic then there are more
chances that the person who is hurt may forgive. If the act of harm is intentional
compared to being unintentional, then it is less likely than forgiveness may
occur.
The
severity of the offense also plays a significant role in forgiveness. An offense
that is less severe may lead to greater forgiveness as compared to a highly
severe offense. There can be individual differences in the perception of how
severe an offense maybe, but there are many offenses that are universally seen
as being highly offensive. In such cases forgiveness is less likely to occur.
The
severity of the offense, in fact, is often seen as one of the most important
factors that may influence forgiveness. Even though forgiveness can lead to
better mental and physical health, sometimes the offense is so severe that it
becomes very difficult to forgive. In such instances the person may experience
unforgiveness.
Unforgiveness
refers to a combination of delayed and chronic negative thoughts and emotions
such as resentment, bitterness, hostility, hatred, anger, and fear. It occurs
in situations that remain hurtful for an extended period, due to which a person
is stuck in a chronic hyperaroused stress response, primarily through
continuing rumination.
Such
experiences do not occur all the time. It is when the offense is extremely
severe, such as being sexually abused or witnessing the murder of a loved one,
that a person may experience unforgiveness. In such instances, the emotional damage
done to the individual seems to be irreparable. The person goes through a
highly traumatic experience and recovering from it may seem to be almost
impossible.
Even
though the offense may be extremely severe leading to trauma, holding on to the
negativity associated with it will further exacerbate the condition of the
individual. Being overpowered by tremendous negative feelings, emotions, and experiences
tends to damage the psyche of the individual. The mental and physical health of
the individual continuously deteriorates and if efforts for recovery are not
made, the person may get into a situation where he/she may seem to be doomed. Therefore,
the individual needs to be saved and needs to be somehow taken out of this
trauma.
This
is where forgiveness training, sometimes referred to as forgiveness
intervention or forgiveness therapy, comes in. Forgiveness training involves
making individuals learn to forgive through standardized and systematic techniques.
The proponents of forgiveness training see forgiveness as a psycho-educational
concept. It proposes that when it becomes difficult to forgive, then
forgiveness can be systematically instilled within an individual through
training and intervention programs.
Forgiveness
training is mainly described as an approach to reduce anger and restore emotional
health. The idea behind forgiveness training is that when a person has been a
victim to a highly severe offense that leads to traumatic experiences, the only
way to come out of that trauma is to forgive the transgressor. Forgiveness, as
mentioned above, involves a release of all the negative feelings and emotions. Since
the offense has been so severe, it becomes impossible for the individual to
forgive, and that is why he/she is made to learn to forgive; the individual is
trained to forgive.
The
most widely used forgiveness training program is developed by Enright and the
Human Development Study Group at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, USA. This
group is led by the psychologist Robert Enright who has been extensively
involved in forgiveness research. Enright’s forgiveness training program
involves four phases – the Uncovering, the Decision Phase, the Work Phase, and
the Deepening Phase.
In
the Uncovering Phase, the individual reviews the hurtful event and its effects.
The individual identifies the psychological injury and recognizes the anger,
pain, and thought processes associated with it. In the Decision Phase, the
individual is introduced to forgiveness as viable option. The individual makes
the attempt to understand what forgiveness is all about, makes a cognitive
decision to forgive, and further makes a conscious commitment to forgive.
In
the Work Phase, through reframing and various cognitive exercises, the
individual experience various changes of affect and is led to offer
forgiveness. This phase also involves the acceptance of pain due to the
offence, which is followed by the individual being guided to relinquish his/her
pain. By relinquishing the anger, the individual is in no way made to excuse
the transgressor of his/her responsibility of the offence. Forgiving the
transgressor also does not mean any kind of reconciliation. Through the means
of forgiveness, the individual is helped towards letting go of the anger and
pain as well as overcoming the psychological trauma that he/she has gone
through.
Finally,
in the Deepening Phase, the individual is led to find meaning in the suffering,
develop a new purpose in life, and come to an increased sense of emotional
wellbeing. The individual is made to have a deeper sense out of the
experiences. By finding a deeper meaning in events previously viewed as mostly
negative, the individual releases resentment and may find a new life purpose. This
leads to a healthy emotional regulation and a re-examination of the self as
more than just a victim.
Forgiveness
training has been successfully applied on a wide range of people who have been
a victim of severe offenses. The training program has been applied to sexually
and emotionally abused victims, elderly women hurt in family relationships,
people witnessing the murder of a loved one, survivors of incest relationships,
and men emotionally hurt by their partner’s abortion decision. Further, it has
been applied in resolving conflicts in marriages and solving other relationship
problems.
Forgiveness
training has also been largely applied to children and adolescents hurt by
peers, whose parents have been divorced, who have insecure attachment with parents,
and with those who have been physically abused. A large number of forgiveness training
programs have also been applied on children who live in areas of violence and
poverty.
Research
on the outcomes of such forgiveness training programs suggests that it leads to
improved affect, lowers rate of psychiatric illness, lowers physiological
stress responses, improves physical wellbeing, and facilitates the restoration
of relationship closeness. It has also been found that forgiveness training
leads to reductions in anger, anxiety, depression, and improvements in hope and
self-esteem. Specifically for children and adolescents, forgiveness training has
led to a decrease in anger, improvement in grades, a better attitude towards
relationships with friends and family, and an enhancement of self-esteem.
These
findings, for adults, adolescents, and children, clearly show that forgiveness
training is very effective, on a wide range of people, in restoring emotional
and physical health. It also gives an indication that forgiveness can be helpful
even when individuals are victims to offenses that may be extremely severe and
cause psychological trauma.
In
life, many a times, people get to face circumstances that they may not want to
be in. Nobody wants to be hurt by others. Most of the time, such incidents
happen unexpectedly, which causes more trouble. Being hurt, even in the
slightest of manner, is not at all a good feeling and can be harmful in its own
ways. It can only be imagined how much harm a severe offense can cause.
In
it is not much a person can do when a harmful event has occurred. No matter how
much damage a hurtful event has caused, something that has occurred cannot be
changed. The only thing that can be changed is the feelings, emotions, and
thought processes associated with that hurtful event.
Forgiveness
helps in bringing about a change in ones negative thoughts, feelings, and
emotions towards a hurtful event and the transgressor. One does not forgive for
the other person. It is only for oneself that a person forgives. With the help
of forgiveness, an individual is able to overcome all the anger, pain,
frustration, depression, and trauma associated with the hurtful event.
Forgiveness
not only helps in restoration of mental and physical health, it also gives the
individual a new direction, newer goals, and new hopes in life. It may lead to
having a new meaning in life, which leads to finding a purpose in life, and may
also lead to self-discovery.
Being
hurt is something that is highly undesirable. But, life does not end at that
point. There is a lot more in life, apart from that hurtful event. Forgiveness becomes
the mediator that leads the individual towards the path of restoration of
mental and physical health, thought processes that take the individual beyond
the hurtful event, a breath of fresh air, and a better perspective of life.
1 comment:
Really interesting article and a very good way to cover everything. I, for one, had not heard of unforgiveness before nor had I heard about forgiveness training.
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